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June 4th, 2005
05:23 pm
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) esotericx
Jen re-invents herself.
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June 2nd, 2005
May 28th, 2005
06:23 am
Still can't sleep, and will be up all night tonight with ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) theloonies and unfortunately am too broke to purchase anything which will keep me awake...
I hate being up at this hour when I don't have cigarettes. And it's too damn cold to walk and get any. *grumbles* I wan't my own cigarette vending machine.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/angry.gif) aggravated
Current Music: NIN-closer
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May 27th, 2005
05:19 pm - So True!
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01:41 am
I'm not sure you realise what you do,
To us, the ones with red marks painted on knees-
Purple inner thighs and grazed wrists.
We love this, because it comes from your hand,
Your first word can make or break one heart-
And in this power, we tell ourselves;
Your love resides.
Waiting all day is nothing and the pain,
I assure you I like, feels like dying-
But only of my body which I pledged to your moods.
We're never enough it seems, any day,
Bcause we see you as a world within a world-
Diorama perceptions of your dissasociative gaze;
We're attention's whores.
Lying beneath a thousand other feet,
For that one moment of your time and two simplistic words-
We're good girls in cold metal and latex for show.
Everyone's desire for what you alone hold,
Once made narcissism's reins hold-
Now their faces wanting us are blank, meaningless;
We are what your eye decides.
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May 26th, 2005
11:53 pm
My brother was curled up in my rainbow sleeping bag.
He looked to cute and paeceful I simply had to go pounce on him.
also- (paul youre a geek help me) why do those weird < span/> thingies come up on my entries sometimes?
tis rather confuzzling me.
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11:07 am
It only took forty minutes of convincing him that I *will not* kill myself but *i do* need something that is quick and harmless to knock me out when I'm feeling suicidal until I last out these withdrawls.
I am now the proud new owner of a purple sample pack of zyprexa, the anti-psochotic drug best known for its ability to turn thin girls fat, and smart girls brain dead.
Seeing as I am neither thin nor smart I think I shall be safe. *nods*
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/happy.gif) ecstatic
Current Music: Roler coaster tycoon theme music
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May 24th, 2005
06:43 am - insomnia epiphany # 376
And still she doesnt sleep.
It's getting ridiculous, because as much as I enjoy sitting up all night smoking cigarettes and watching info-mercials, I demand a break.
[Though I have decided a chicken rotisery oven is a must have]
Incidentally, I discovered that ants are attracted to tomato sauce and now am harbouring a civilization of the things in the cupboard. I considered fly spray, but I can't do it; an army of tarantulas would be less cruel. So I tried luring them into a jar filled with jam. I had romanticized images of the happy ant colony lined up neatly in their glass haven in which I could then gently tip them outside into their natural suburban habitat. Karma would treat me well.
Instead I attracted numerous other insects and the cupboard is now a "multi-cultural" communist regime with every insect for themselves.
My brother stumbled bleary-eyed into the kitchen and said "what are those black dots jen?"
I replied "rub your eyes and look again"
He did so and said "maybe the cat will eat them".
So I am now privy to the knowlege, (should I ever happen to be banished into a kitchen pantry for all eternity) cats are at the top of the food chain, and tomato sauce is at the bottom.
I'm glad I stayed awake all night to figure that out.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/sleepy.gif) tired
Current Music: the ants go marching two by two
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01:31 am
Robert, on the melbourne scene:
Achromatic says:
A bunch of pretentious fucktards, horny clowns, and bored housewifes.
ahahahaha.
thats so true.
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May 23rd, 2005
10:47 pm
The most amazing thing...
And don't you dare tell me I'm an idiot because it is amazing!
I was watching TV and there was a sad scene and I felt a connection with the characters and cried! I havent cried at anything on TV in...
Well since being on anti-ds.
And my brother made a random comment and I laughed. Not a fake 'noticing something ironic and being cynical laugh but an actual laugh.
Phisically I hurt and I have a migraine but I feel amazing emotinally.
I *feel* emotional!
I was outside smoking and I spoke to the little girl over the fence about her sandcastle and went and built a huge ass creation that rivals the Parthanon. We chased her mother through the house wearing aluminium pots on our heads. Then I sat with the mother I was previously chasing and drank coffee and cried and told her about what was going on for me. I told her *everything* She made me a cappachino with a pattern on top in chocolate powder and gave me a hug.
I'm feeling such connection with people and it's so overpowering.
I'm now dubious as to whether I should begin taking my "new" pills.
There's nothing attractive in being stable really is there?
*twitch*
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02:40 pm - How fucking amazing.
Today is the first day in 5 years that I will have absoloutely no anti-depressents in my system.
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May 22nd, 2005
07:42 pm - effexor exit epiphany.
I'm going to cut my hair drastically short.
also-
Centipedes also live on cave floors underneath bats. When a baby bat falls from the cave ceiling, the centipedes swarm over and envenomate it before eating it.
thankyou Ian.
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May 19th, 2005
05:20 pm - People in portraits
Cold fingers never stop playing.
Beaded droplets bud and swell and die
On a brow of someone less than she-
Water tortured wench by her side.
Shinglebacked borderline bitch;
Give up nothing for nothing gives she,
A feeble attempt at reccognition
A printed linolium cut for the taking.
Palitable words distilled will scare,
And make saucer sized eyes glint again
Walk as a shadow that never feels clean,
Cold fingertips never stop breaking.
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May 18th, 2005
08:30 am - freuds favourite
'Secretly, we are so destructive'
Maybe that's part of the thrill, the exhileration in the breaking down of one's own psyche and throwing any form of self-preservation to the wind. The manic rush of aprehension, the aftermath of something seemingly brutal but that which creates the connection in the only way we know how. The only way I ever want. To come alive and feel something other than apathy and dissasociation. It's all in the management of such that some stay sane... or so I'm told.
It's sliding down something serpentine-like that was left at the base of your skull for too long, shut up in a dark corner of memory and experience now let lose to play. The sinister mind is the most attractive thing in human existance to me, dangerous and sharp making one feel impulsive like being near a shiny new blade.
Those times where you get a sudden urge to do something crazy, like driving a car and the thought of not hitting the brakes flashes through your mind; it's this moment amplified and built upon that serves as my motivation.
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May 14th, 2005
04:29 pm - all must celebrate :P
Yay my lil bro now has a live journal!
__kilroy__
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/silly.gif) crazy
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02:36 pm
Oh dear, I seem to have misplaced my federation square piece THATS DUE ON TUESDAY. So *not* a good thing. If I have to re-draw Flinders street station again I may just have to kill someone.
I'm so behind on all my classes, and instead of catching up I'm sitting here bitching about it. I think I should write a book on the art of procrastination...except I'd never get the damn thing written because I'd be procrastinating...
Anyway, I must say that the people I know rock. No matter how much I mope and cry and dwell in post teenage angst they still are there for me when I resurface. And I mean *everyone*. If situations were reversed I think I would have ditched myself a long time ago.
This weekend will be a mega detox for me of both mind and body. Except for niccotine and caffine of course. I'm not ever going to drink my beloved vodka. Or my fathers stash of cask wine (ick).
Now I'm going off to get caffinated and annoy everyone in my house hold until my art piece has resurfaced.
What fun.
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May 13th, 2005
09:01 am - Turpentine tears taste like rain.
With blisters on the palms of both hands,
Crawling takes on a beauty in itself,
Articulate a new life and so it becomes-
A piece of this patchwork inner yearning;
To see you as enfatuated by hate as I...
Creeping around thoughts better left dark,
Undisturbed as you portray yourself;
In believing I made you a god,
Setting aside moments to lay accross,
And amplify the heat from your torso.
The eyrie dwellers never sleep as well-
As you might if passion were stilled,
We wait for the next claw to make us real,
And impress upon flesh the true meaning,
Of love, in hate the difference is in...
The chase.
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May 10th, 2005
07:30 pm
You are Form 4, Gargoyle: The Fallen.
"And The Gargoyle mended his wings from the
blood of the fallen so he could rise up from
imprisonment. With great speed and
resourcefulness, Gargoyle made the world his
for the taking."
Some examples of the Gargoyle Form are Daedalus
(Greek) and Mary Magdalene (Christian).
The Gargoyle is associated with the concept of
success, the number 4, and the element of wood.
His sign is the new moon.
As a member of Form 4, you are a creative and
resourceful individual. You are always
thinking of possible solutions to problems you
face and you generally choose one that is
right. Much of your success comes from your
ability to look at things a little differently
than everyone else. Gargoyles are the best
friends to have because they don't always take
things for face value.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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06:10 pm
I've decided that after the hellfire/inquisition weekend I shall be drug free.
I will still do baloons, but not go overboard, and still drink but not to excess.
It sounds so do-able (is that a word?-it is now) but I love feeling good. I love being off my face and feeling so friendly, like everyone is my best friend, instead of this melancholy and apathetic dissasociation that I associate with day to day living.
This will truly be a test of my self control and inner strength I think...
Scott and Penny's party was to say the least, like nothing I've ever been to before. I wish I could go back and be a fly on the wall to see what thehell we all did for so many hours!
I'm sick of people now. On the train today I wanted to smash the faces in of the whinging yapping schoolgirls surrounding me. I watched a jewish guy and a jehovas witness have a heated religious debate at oakleigh station. It was quite funny. Until they involved me. I had no idea what to say and to be a shit stirrer I dropped the word atheist into conversation.
Lucky for me the train came before I was converted.
Next time I'll say im a scientologist and see what happens :P
The freaks were out today in melbourne. There was a lady (also at oakleigh station) with a huge sign around her neck and a picture of a baby telling the entire world that the government had taken her child. She was giving a speech about her misfortunes to anyone close enough passing by.
Then at berwick station there was a man who I asked for change to use the phone. He looked normal but began to mumble that he had "to go back" that someone was "taking him back there".
To mars or the psych hospital was my guess.
And to top it all off I witnessed a kid spraying another kid with lynx deodourant and lighting his jumper with a lighter.
Though, to give freaks credit, there was a goth boy with long red nails and more spikes than a torture device on the crowded train whom everyone was too scared to sit next to, so had six seats to himself. I stretched out next to him and made myself comfortable while everyone else either stood in the doorway or squashed into seats.
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May 5th, 2005
05:45 pm
Night comes when you forget to breathe.
A fist never looked this appetising before
I need you for awakening this-
A cascade of feelings of hate.
Feels like love has been heated.
No more waking to pancake house rules
I ate bread with butter side down-
A table set for a dying crime.
A fingertip feast for two.
Hold in tears to taste salt inside
Furnishings of a mind assult left-
I present this for you, now.
Pick bones clean, leave me hungry.
I'll taste my way to you next time.
Denial is sweet and rotted like-
Too many entrails pointing the way.
I've chosen to leave choice dead.
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